Yesterday with my hood up in the drizzle walking down Tottenham court road, a road filled with a large and mixed bag of memories. I was just enjoying being among the people and looking into window displays. The stores closing left nothing more than a hollow shell of the people who used to work there. The road carries a lot of family significance too. So as I paced down the road past the station with a man handing out the evening standard and fruit bowls at half the price with the rain tapping in sync on my coat. Amy Winehouse’s voice boomed from the portable speakers by the fruit stall. The world suddenly paused as I saw 5 young boys, looking confused yet excited holding tesco express bags filled with milk, bread and beer. Shuffling through the crowds with the direction of their new home. It felt like a slow motion slap to my face and my gut of my incompetence. Only because they had what I set my heart on for the last year.
Then it hit me I was leaving London and how I wasn’t really prepared to call another town my base. I felt such shame in myself for my little moment of jealousy and pettiness. So I continued to walk, reclaiming my breath. Again composed I gave my mind some reassuring thoughts to calm myself. The temporary relief of self-assurance did not last long, as I was only to be confronted by more students.
I hadn’t managed to achieve the best, what I always insist I must have. It makes me want it that much more, that I need to remember the sour taste in my mouth and never lose out on the best again.
To say it doesn’t matter and life moves on would be wrong. It does matter as all things do but you need to learn to surpass things one way or another, that I still seem to need a lot of practice in doing. Apologies for the personal post, needed to vent ~